Jokes updated regularly~~

[TheNaG]

Vesinaa jokes kontha mandhi miss ayipovadam valla...ila start chesthuna....this thread will be dedicated to jokes only from me....

here u go..


Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!

5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!

4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

3. It's an entry-level position.

2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isn't:

1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!

[TheNaG]

When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...
IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........You have to share.
IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by tax payers with no work required.
AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught

[TheNaG]

Jack and Jill

A man at his office had 2 employees named Jack & Jill. As his business was not doing well he was thinking of sacking one of them but had not decided who.

While musing about it, Jill got up from her seat to get an aspirin as she had a head ache. When she passed the man he said, 'Jill, should I lay you or Jack off?'

She replied,'Jack Off! I have a head ache

[TheNaG]

Picture Perfect

A certain Senator was sitting in his attorney's office. His lawyer said, 'Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?'
'Give me the bad news first,' said the Senator.
'Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.'
'That's the bad news?' asked the Senator incredulously. 'I can't wait to hear the terrible news.'
'The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary.'

[TheNaG]

Great Interview
A man goes to get a job as a secretary. When the manager saw his yellow and red highlighted hair, his mind was screaming,'No, not this guy.'
Nevertheless, he had to entertain his guest.
Manager: Okay, I will give you some words. Make a sentence with them and the job is yours. The words are green, pink, yellow, blue, white, purple and black.
The man thought for a while and said:-
' The phone was ringing GREEN GREEN GREEN. I go and I PINK up the phone. I say YELLOW...BLUE's that. WHITE did you call? Aye... wrong number. Listen don't PURPLEly call wrong numbers and don't call BLACK.
The manager fainted.

[TheNaG]

DArling John

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and called him into his office. 'What is your name?' was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
'John,' the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, 'Look, I don`t know what kind of place you worked at before, but I don`t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that`s all.'
'I am to be referred to only as Mr.Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?'
The new guy sighed and said, 'Darling. John Darling.'
'Okay... John, the next thing I want to tell you is...'

[TheNaG]

Raise in Salary
'I have to have a raise,' the man said to his boss.
'There are three other companies after me.'
'Is that so?' asked the manager.
'What other companies are after you?'
'The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company.'

[TheNaG]

A story about 4 employees

Whose Job Is It?

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done, and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

[TheNaG]

Those who dont know
The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem.
Those who don't know are also in two groups.
One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn!
But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know that they don't know. And they become HR!

[TheNaG]

thenag rocking wid jokes...

nice one...

[TheNaG]

Impressions for a office

The family picture is on His desk

-Ah, a solid, responsible family man

The family picture is on Her desk

-Um, her family will come before her career

His desk is cluttered

-He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man

Her desk is cluttered

-She's obviously a disorganized scatterbrain

He is talking with his coworkers

-He must be discussing the latest deal

She is talking with her coworkers

-She must be gossiping

[TheNaG]

This is what it means

'JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY': We have no time to train you.
'CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE': We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
'MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED': You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
'SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED': Some time each night and some time each weekend.
'DUTIES WILL VARY': Anyone in the office can boss you around.

[TheNaG]

Briber
Raju asked his friend, 'Is your manager a briber?'
Ramu exclaimed, 'Yes! How did you know?
Raju replied, 'He put a big slide on his table, That is : SOMETHING is better than Nothing'

[TheNaG]

Suspicious

A farmer's wife was terribly suspicious.

Every evening she subjected her husband to an inspection.

And if she found even a single hair on his coat, she created a terrible scene.

One night, she found nothing. 'So,' she screamed: 'Now it's a bald-headed woman!'

[TheNaG]

Thats me

After a long night of making love the young guy rolled over, was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
'Is this your husband?' he inquired nervously.
'No, silly,' she replied, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend then?' he asked.
'No, not at all,' she said, nibbling away at his ear.
'Well, who is he then?' demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, 'That's me before the operation.'

[TheNaG]

My wife is a liar

'That wife of mine is a liar,' said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
'How do you know?' the friend asked.
'She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley.'
'So?'
'So she's a liar… I spent the night with her sister Shirley.'

[TheNaG]

Dont stop(A)

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
'Last night I made love to my wife four times,' the Frenchman bragged, 'and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.'
'Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,' the Italian responded, 'and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.'
When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, 'And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?'
'Once,' he replied.
'Only once?' the Italian arrogantly snorted. 'And what did she say to you this morning?'
'Don't stop.'

[TheNaG]

For Rent

A proper man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for Rs.5000. When he was ready to leave, he told her that he did not have any cash with him but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling it 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office he decided that the whole event was not worth the price he agreed to pay, so he had his secretary send a note with a check for Rs.2500 and enclosed the following note:
Dear Madam, Enclosed find check in the amount of Rs.2500 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon because when I rented the apartment I was under the impression that:
1.it had never been occupied.
2.that there was plenty of heat.
3.and that it was small.
Last night I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for Rs.2500.00 with the following note:
Dear Sir: I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how turn it on and if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, don't blame me.

[TheNaG]

Manners(A)(A)

Once a mother had three daughters .all of them were married on the same day. When the mother went to the elder girls room in the night she heard her crying and when she went to the next girls room she heard her laughing and then when she went to the last girls room there was no sound .
The next morning, the mom asked the eldest one why she was crying she said when something hurts her she cries, the mom then mom the 2nd one why she was laughing, she said when something tickles her she laughs, then the mother asked the third one why were she was silent .........
she said that .........Its good manners! I'm always silent when my mouth is full!!

[TheNaG]

Sardar


A Sardar and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from

Los Angeles to New York . The American asks if he would

like to play a fun-game.

The Sardar, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he

politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The American persists and explains that the game is easy

and a lot of fun. He says, 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know

the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa.'

Again, the Sardar declines and tries to get some sleep.
The American, now worked up, says, 'Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500.'

This gets the sardar's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.


The American asks the first question, 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?'
The Sardar doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill and
hands it to the American.

'Okay,' says the American, 'Your turn.'

So the Sardar asks, 'What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?'
The American thinks about it. No answer.

Puzzled, he takes out his laptop computer and searches

all his references. No answer!

He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers.

Checks the input. All to no avail!

Finally, a long time later, he wakes the Sardar and hands him $500.

The Sardar thanks him and turns back to get his sleep.

The American, more than a little miffed, stirs the Sardar and asks,

'Well, what's the answer?'

Without a word, the Sardar reaches into his purse, hands the American $5,
and goes back to sleep! :-)